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Movies they make me watch, part 2

My weekend went extremely slow, I think it was because my wife was dog sitting for her sister and she was gone a couple nights. You would think I would take this opportunity to edit or rewrite The Set’la. Wrong, I played World of Warcraft instead. I leveled my Mage from 40 to 60. I should have been writing.

I would like to thank the person that purchased my books last week, Thank you! I hope you enjoy the reads.

We had two movies delivered over the week, one got a little destroyed during the delivery process and we figured with the big dent in it it might ruin the player so we sent it back. “Once a Thief” with Chow Yun-Fat. A movie by John Woo can’t be too bad; we may put it back in the que later.

The one movie we did watch was Sylvester Stallone’s “The Expendables” from 2010. Sly directed and wrote the screen play which is your basic “attack the bad guys and kill everyone but escape without a scratch” scenario. There were a few wounds received, but nothing that left much of a mark.

As a side note, I have watched his Rambo movies and the first couple Rocky’s and I watch them for the action. As I looked through IMDB, to make sure I got all the names right, I noticed this was the eighth movie Stallone has directed. Those include the Rocky sequels and the last Rambo.

To this date, I think the best movie he was in was “Cliffhanger” – and I have watched that many times. I’m glad I didn’t go to the theater for this one.

Sly plays the leader of a group of mercenaries that do an odd job or two for unnamed organizations. (Think CIA). His sidekick in all this is Jason Statham, played with his usual tough guy perfection. (My wife told me to add that part).

Mickey Rourke plays the bartender/tattoo artist that seems to be their Old Wiseman. He fits the part.

Sly’s group of mercenaries is hired to assassinate the ruler of a small country by Bruce Willis. I believe he was in there a total of two minutes which was a little longer than Schwarzenegger’s cameo which included a bad, yet still funny, stab at Arnold’s political career. I’m thinking Bruce is a member of the CIA. In case you were wondering that was a spoiler alert – sorry for the late warning.

Sly and Jason take a trip to find out what they can about this General, played by David Zayas – I know him better as Sgt. Angel Batista from “Dexter.” (Awesome show, I missed the last few seasons and am looking forward to the DVD release.) When they arrive they meet up with a leader of the local resistance, female of course, played by Giselle Itie. They soon discover that the General is not the one they are supposed get rid of. Their target is Eric Roberts and his body guard played by Steve Austin. No…not the Six Million dollar man – the wrestler that turned actor – that should have stayed in the business of beating people up – that he does well.

This movie is packed with wrestling stars, old and new tough guys. At sixty-five Stallone is the oldest. You would think someone would tell him that his hair is supposed to be gray at that age and it is okay. I think he shot this movie in the dark more than intended so he would look good after all that plastic surgery. (Does he look in the mirror and actually say, “Damn I look good!”)

One of the most interesting parts was the appearance of Dolph Lungren who starts out as a member of Sly’s team of expert mercenaries and ends up fighting him…yet again. (Think small version of “Rocky”)

Among the heavyweights on Sly’s side is Jet Li, this time wearing steel toed shoes, (can we say dentures?), Randy Couture (never heard of him) as an explosion expert and trigger happy Terry Crews who walks around with a BFG.

Don’t mean to spoil the movie here, but I saw the outcome coming, all the bad guys die and the good guys survive. I was shocked.

Answer me this, how can you miss everyone when you are shooting automatic weapons?

All in all, it was entertaining and if you’re in the mood for a lot of action and killing and explosions I would say. “Watch this movie, only when nothing better is on.”

During my research I discovered that the sequel was thought about before the movie was released into the theaters and if it is still a thought it might be released next year. We shall see.



Weekend Movies

We had a little more time on our hands this weekend and watched five movies, and a couple more episodes of the second season of Lost, (I’m still lost ~ and so are they.)

I should call this the Bill Nighy marathon, not on purpose.

The first three we watched were the Underworld movies, we started off with Underworld: Rise of the Lykins. If you like vampires and werewolves, this is your kind of movie. Just don’t think too hard about it as you are enjoying the blood and violence. I’m sure there was a lot in it, but it was hard to tell because it was so dark. This is not really the very beginning, but it is close.

Bill Nighy is Viktor, an ancient Vampire trying to preserve his race in a war against the lycans, better known as werewolves. Also along for the ride is his daughter Sonya, played by the beautiful Rhona Mitra. Born among the Creatures of the night is Lucian, played by Michael Sheen. He is different; he can change whenever he wants to into a werewolf. Victor keeps him as a slave, with a necklace that stops him from turning. All this takes place in the 1400’s I think. Lucian accidently falls in love with Sonya which pisses off Viktor and things start to change. I won’t ruin the ending, but you have all probably seen it anyway. It is basically a short little movie that was similar to Romeo and Juliette with a little Beauty and the Beast thrown in for fun. I enjoyed this very much; I have always between a sucker for good makeup and special effects. The main issue I had was the night scenes were a little too dark to make them out clearly. There was also no gratuitous sex in this one. I don’t think I would have liked living back then, everyone was always moody and fighting.

Next in line was Underworld. The sexy Kate Beckinsale is Selene, a Death Hunter (vampire) on the search for werewolves. She discovers deceit and a secret the wolves are looking for – some rare immortal blood is surging through the veins of Michael (played by Scott Speedman). During the whole movie she manages to wake up Victor who in turn has his own issues. I would be a little grumpy too if I had to sleep over four centuries. Through death and destruction, Michael and Selene escape and become the hunted. That’s where this ends…

…and Underworld Evolution begins. But first – another history lesson that invents – I mean introduces two brothers, one bitten by a bat, one bitten by a werewolf – both of immortal blood. (See above). They are basically the beginning of the races – Personally, I like Luanne Rice’s take on the beginnings of Vampires. I suppose that is what instantly turned me off to this series when I first saw them. This marathon was my wife’s idea, she loves all things vampires, but she refuses to watch Bela Lugosi in the original Dracula. Well back to the movie – Marcus, the next head vampire in line to be awaken wakes up pissed – he is the first, and he learns of the deceit that happened in the movie before him. After killing everyone in his coven, he starts his hunt for his brother – the werewolf. Through more violence, death, and a very short sex scene with Michael and Selene, things start to heat up with more action and death and rebirth and death. I am beginging to see a theme here.

Next – was Wild Target. Bill Nighy stars as a perfect hit man with a strong case of OCD. He always gets his man, or in this case, his woman. It seems to run in the family since his dad was in the same profession and his mother is behind him all the way. Until he decides not to kill a target (Hey – I’ve seen this theme before) who just happens to be Rose, played by Emily Blunt. He saves her instead and they are both now being chased by more killers hired by the guy that hired him. Unfortunately, along for the ride is Tony, played very badly by Rubert Grint. I think he was in here to give the movie some levity; it really didn’t need it because watching Bill Nighy as a serious all business hit man was funny enough. Also mixed up with the British humor – I thought this was a very good, sometimes humorous movie. It got three stars. I think Rubert did this to wash away the Harry Potter residue – in a few scenes we see him soaking in a bubble bath while smoking a cigarette and he ends up shooting one man twice, at which point Bill decides to make him his apprentice. Uhh,. Bill, he shot the SAME GUY TWICE! At the end of the movie I think he was still alive.

Even with that, it is still a pretty funny movie. Not the funniest, but pretty good.

Now for the clincher; there is a movie out there called Monters. This is not the animated movie but a Sci-Fi flick about some aliens brought back from the Moon, of all places. These are very dangerous to Earthlings and are kept in a quarantined zone in Mexico. This is where it lost me, well maybe that and the bad acting and the lousy effects that were so bad they could only be shot in the dark!

I had a little piece wrote up on Lost, but I seem to have misplaced it.

Oh, before I forget, check out Wistful Nebulae A great blog by a good friend, MPax.

Hope you liked today’s reviews. More to come next week, Kick-Ass and The Last Airbender

The weekend movie list:

Okay, here we go – something new. First I will explain where this idea came from. At our house we record all our favorite shows so we can zip through the commercials as fast as possible when they come on. I usually don’t have control of the remote; it is glued to my wives hand. But once we finish the list we usually have time for more TV. We have been relaying on Netflix and their play on demand they have on the Playstation 3. Or the two movies they send me once a week. Don’t worry Mr. Egbert – your job is safe.

Our movies for the week were Cop Out and Hot Tub Time machine. I received them from Netflix and I honestly cannot figure out where they get their suggestions for me. (I think the kids have been watching stuff under my account on the play it now features.)

The first movie we watched was Hot Tub Time Machine. Okay, I like the idea of this movie, a group of college friends who have stayed together since the 80’s go to a resort where they spent one wild weekend while in college. During their stay – the hot tub shorts and they are whisked into the past. Like I said – good idea – I have always loved time travel stories…until I watched this one.

I only recognized three stars, Chevy Chase as the repair man sent from somewhere to fix the hot tub since they broke it on their trip, John Cusack as one of the college bums whose life hasn’t been all that he hoped it would be, and the guy that played Marty McFly’s dad in the Back to the Future movies, I can’t remember his name. (Crispin Glover – I looked it up) He played the one armed bell hop that has had the same job since the last time they were there. I liked his performance in this, one running gag in the film *SPOILER ALERT* is when they arrive back in time the bell hop has both his arms and there is an ever flowing gag as to when he will lose it. Like all time travel stories, they need to figure out why they are when they are and how to get back. They do this with more cussing than is needed. (Why do screen writers believe they have to use the F word so much?) Included in this trip is a son of one of them – John Cusack’s nephew – he doesn’t know who his father is, but he needs to find out before he disappears. All ends up well at the end – even better for some. I admit I did laugh a little and snicker once or twice, but I would not recommend this movie unless you are high or drunk.

COP OUT; this movie is also a complete waste of time. Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan as two cops who can’t seem to do their job right, a plot line that has been run down so many time you saw tire tracks on the film. I suppose Bruce is in dire need of money or he was bribed to make this film. Only he knows. As for Tracy Morgan – uh…Who? I didn’t know him at the beginning of this movie – but the wife did. I admit – sometimes I don’t pay as much attention as I should but I did notice his astounding ability to over act to Bruce’s straight man, non emotional partner. Even the movie quotes and scenes Morgan does are not as entertaining as one may think.

To fill in the empty space – which happened to be one whole day – we found Spartacus Season two, Blood and Sand. I suppose this was on the Starz network – since I remember hearing about it a little – but never really saw it. To be honest I like the movie with Kirk Douglas a lot better. I only recognized *three stars on this one, Lucy Lawless, who does an awesome job at playing Lucretia, wife of Batiatus (John Hannah from The Mummy series of movies) who owns a house of slaves in Rome and both are very cunningly devious to get what they want. The effects they used to make this look like Rome, including a nicely done Coliseum, are good. The photography reminded me a little of “300.”  I think maybe this is what they tried to do. The story line is good, a soldier is sold into slavery and ends up at the House of Batiatus and named Spartacus. All he wants to do is escape and find his wife, which for the favor of being a good little slave and not complaining about fighting in the arena, Batiatus promises to find her and bring her to him, which he does do eventually. Through lies, sex, deceit, sex, murder, sex and violence, with a little more sex, we watch as the House of Batiatus begins to crumble.

I know it is supposed to be visually impressive when you see three gallons of blood squirt out of someone’s body – but this is way too much blood for me. I admit I am not a doctor, (but I watch a lot of CSI shows) however I didn’t think the human body had that many arteries that would cause that much blood splatter. The amount of sex in this show would classify it as soft porn; they spared nothing from the camera. I know the Romans were very – hum…preoccupied with sex, but I have never seen so many orgies or sex scenes in one show or movie, unless I got it from the Hustler store. You can guarantee at least two, maybe three scenes of sex per episode. Man on man, man on woman, slave on slave, woman on woman, you name it, this show has it. (I have always wondered if they are actually doing this when they are supposed to be acting, if not, that is damn fine acting). One other thing, I got the impression that the writers tried to immolate Shakespeare since most of the dialogue, which they did have between sex takes, sounded like his play, Julius Caeser.  

*The other familiar face I thought I saw was from Season 1, which was way better than Season 2, but I think I was wrong – or the wife was. I thought I recognized her as being the female agent on Warehouse 13, but I am not sure since it does not appear in Joanne Kelly’s credit listing in IMDB, and if it aint on the net, it aint true! Or so says my step son.

Maybe the Romans did really talk like that, have wild orgies like that, I know they liked their arena fights! I wasn’t there. But let me warm up my hot tub and I will check it out.